If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Don’t tell me what to do
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?