I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills