[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I have so many questions.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”