hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
That’s not how days work.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.