I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
You Might Also Like
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Taliband
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven