cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore