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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse