[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever