I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.