A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]