We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”