[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
When you kidnap a writer.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.