Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?