How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”