My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
You Might Also Like
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”