My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.