[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Um … Hot Wings please
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Pot warmers of the day.
Self-cleaning conscience
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.