I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.