I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: