Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*