I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
welcome back
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital