Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
You Might Also Like
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Swedish for common sense.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish