My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?