Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight