[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
You Might Also Like
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.