The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Where’s my employee discount too?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS