Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me trying to reach for my goals
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Safety first
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies