Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING