Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You Might Also Like
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
FINE, I WON’T.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
how long have you had this for?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.