No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Just a friendly reminder!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
CRYING
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button