Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area