Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
SPLOOT
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin