yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou