How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs