[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
mariah carrie