“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.