Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]