All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.