If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
BRO LMFAO
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Raisins are grape jerky.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.