Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It鈥檚 been comedy and chaos ever since 馃槀.
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should鈥檝e seen that coming
One day I鈥檓 gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner鈥檚 family Christmas lunch.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn鈥檛 been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I鈥檓 going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
you can鈥檛 piss me off. you鈥檙e not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶