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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Labreador
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]