“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Someone just threatened to call me later
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
それは草
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*