[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]