BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more