Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Breaking news:
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If looks could kill
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.