I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.