Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
where do you see yourself in five years?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.