What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!