He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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yeah no that’s fair
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My flabber has been gasted.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”