Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES